I’m very guilty of doing a lot of the things that I post about, I mean where else would I find the experience to speak on it? Putting my life on pause for others is definitely something that I’ve done before but not necessarily in the most obvious ways.
The first example (that comes to mind) is when I was around 18/19. I definitely blocked a lot of my opportunities so that I’d be able to be a support system for my family who had become quite dependent on me or so I thought. Looking back, I think one of the main reasons I self-sabotaged was due to my own personal fear of the unknown. I was afraid that had I embarked on this journey whether it was accepting that job offer or applying for it in the first place, something would go wrong.
I was definitely becoming complacent and I think the fact that I was a university student made it even safer to hold back. When I graduated, things definitely changed, I mean I’m currently writing this post from the Middle East in my own apartment.
The second and most recent evidence of self-sabotaging is something that’s currently taking place in my life.
I am the biggest commitment phobe in the world and although this is something I’ve known about myself for the longest time, I’ve never felt that it’s directly affected me because I’ve never really had feelings for anyone so when I finally did, I couldn’t and didn’t like what was happening so I self-sabotaged. As a self-sabotaging expert, my ‘go-to moves’ if you will, is to disconnect from the person by giving shit replies and waiting for the feelings to disappear. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t work.
So another problem I’ve been having recently is trying to get over this person without completely shutting them out of my life which has proven to be frustrating. Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely not as into them as I was before but I can feel shit resurfacing and I’m not a fan.
So, to finally address the title, is it ever ok to put your life (relationships) on pause, just for the odd chance that something with someone else could progress?
I’m not sure yet, but hey, life is a learning process so once I find out my truth, I’ll let you know.
Until next time,
L x
LIFE OF LUELA 
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